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Thursday, May 28th 2020

Best fake cum recipe ever.

Welcome

Sometimes the easiest recipes are the hardest to get right, and fake cum is the perfect example.

I’ve been an obsessive safe-sex practitioner my whole life i.e. I take in-person meetings very seriously and I don't cater for any cum/unprotected sex fetishes.
However, as a virtual whore, my pool of fetishes and kinks have greatly expanded and I can feature fake cum in my video clips as part of my taboo menu.

In an effort to make a naughty video clip for my profile, I went on a mission to find the perfect recipe for fake semen.
To me, that meant fake cum that is simple to make and yet so intensely creamy that they can satisfy any fake sperm craving.
I spent the weekend trying out these recipes back-to-back, putting them up against each other in the ultimate fake seamen showdown. I judged them on colour texture and appearance.

First recipe: Classic.
Turning my naked body into a sundae sounds sexy, except for the fact that whipped cream or vanilla ice cream has sugar i.e. introducing sugar to my vagina would mess my pH levels and lead to a yeast infection.
Therefore, I decided to mix a teaspoon of double cream with water-based lubricant. The mix looked creamy and thick and could easily look like semen in porn movies.

Second recipe: It wasn't worth the effort.
I found on the internet that most porn stars admit using the face cleanser Cetaphil. After an unsuccessful hunt for the Cetaphil at Waitrose, I settled down for the Essential Waitrose Chamomile shower gel.
The liquid looked creamy and smelled nice but it was well too runny to use it so I abandoned the idea of testing it.

Third recipe: The creamy vegan winner.
Coconut fake sperm is a dairy-free alternative to classic double cream fake cum! For a dairy-free, vegan-friendly version cum, I simply mixed coconut cream from a tin with water-based lubricant. The texture is dense, rich, perfectly white and it feels smooth on my fingers.
I think every virtual whore should keep this receipt in her back pocket.

Your turn! What’s your go-to perfect recipe?

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Would you like to watch me testing coconut fake semen? There is a short video clip in my Adultwork.com Private Gallery.

Thursday, May 21st 2020

The Art of Comparison

Hello! Welcome to the worst year ever?

No! I will stop this negativity right here... I hear on BBC One breakfast every morning that "we’re going through some tough times right now" and I am sick of it. The world out there is challenging but it could be worse!

When I was a child, I had learned a great trick from my mother - The Art Of Comparison. She would always compare me to someone else who is better than me at school, socialising, swimming, cooking, vacuuming, bird watching, etc... Great parenting style (not!)
Anyway, I am going to use the same method to compare today (i.e. 2020) to 1918 to show you that the pandemic in London could feel much worse!

Homeschooling
1918
Easy - all your kids are mostly child coal miners and you don't have to provide homeschooling during quarantine because they are mostly too tired for it after 8h of working underground.
2020
YouTube will save your kids. Every millennial is used to watching tutorials on "how to clean your room in 3 minutes". You can easily create a playlist of all the educational topics and if any of the little monsters get bored, just threaten them with working in the coal mine.

Work (if you're a sex worker)
1918
"Rates of clandestine prostitution in Great Britain increased dramatically between 1914 and 1918 because the war created more opportunities for illicit sex". *
2020
That thing called Virtual Girl Friend Experience emerged. Not the most profitable but keep "whorish" creativity stimulated in the lockdown.
* "Prostitution by By Journey Steward.

Socialising
1918
Most boys were in trenches and if you were in the right place - military leaders continued to advocate brothel-based prostitution. If you were a regular wife, you had all the time in the world to crochet a blanket and look after eight kids.
2020
Tik Tok, Skype calls, Webcamming, phone sex - you name it. The world is your "sanitary" oyster ;-) if you are connected to the internet! Btw, have you heard of Zoom sex orgies? I have added it to my bucket list..

I know this pandemic sucks and it will scar Millennials for years but let's face it. It could be worse if we were living back in 1918.
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I have spent the last two months adding regularly content to my AW profile. If your financial situation permits, I would appreciate if you could support my virtual creativity by subscribing to AW Private gallery. Thank you in advance.

Wednesday, May 13th 2020

Do you have a crush on your personal trainer?

Oh Hi!

If you're here, I assume that you:
- have binged for so long that we hit the end of Netflix?
- used Dettol wipes to wipe the package of Dettol wipes and now you don't have any wipes left? (FYI: The Waitrose at KX has not had any wipes for the last 39 days).
- believe that 5 minutes of a YouTube workout is enough to offset watching Tik Tok for the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day?

One day, we will be able to have it all again: long overcrowded commute to work, boring corporate networking dinners, late hours in the office, Pret A Manager for breakfast, lunch and dinner; and boot sale every Sunday morning.

I personally can't wait for my local gym to open. I doubt this will happen anytime soon. However, once they do, I would like to share with you some tips on what to do if you have a crush on your personal trainer:

1: Understand that any compliments he/she gives you are part of his/her job – not a foil to get you into the marriage.
2: Texts/phone calls/tweets before 19:00 are acceptable. Anything later? You’re toeing the line of ‘needy client’.
3: Stalking their private social media accounts is not permitted.

Lifehack: the same applies if you have a 'smol' emotional attachment syndrome for the escort you see regularly.

Enjoy your Thursday!

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FYI: I am building my social media presence and I would love you to join me there and like/share my posts.
Please feel free to send me a message if you need more details

Wednesday, May 6th 2020

How to be productive when working from home.

Hello fellow pleasure seekers,

There are posters up around Kings Cross offering a £300 reward for a lost budgie.

This reminded me that I had a budgie escape on me. I still remember how happy I felt when it came back nearly three months later or so (and came down to me from the tree when I called it).

The strange thing is I don't recall any sense of loss at all when it escaped (... or joy).

Anyway, if you're in the area and find a missing budgie, feel free to get in touch so I can return it to the owner (and claim the reward).

Now, let's talk about being productive at home.

I have been working for myself for a few years now and I love it - I get along with everyone in the office and I am always THE "Employee Of The Month". In March I was offered a position of a full-time Virtual Whore and I accepted it.

Here is what I recommend to stay productive: (Disclaimer: this advice is for anyone without children, pets and wife/husband)

1. Proper outfit
Dress affects your attitude and as your Virtual Whore, I wear lingerie every day (except for when I have to queue to get my groceries at the supermarket).

2. Keep to a routine
I brush my teeth, work out at 08:00 a.m., shower, and have a coffee. What's your routine?

3. Create a dedicated working space
I used to work on my bed a lot but since I became your Virtual Whore, I have set up my office in the living room on the sofa. Internet says: A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. I say: You can hide a lot of things under the sofa.

4. Stay in touch with reality.
If you've been on Twitter in the last few months then you have probably seen the quote, "Find what you love and let it kill you." by Bukowski. Whoring is my 27/4 hobby but I always stop working on Friday and Saturday evening to take part in the Virtual Pub Quiz by Elliot H.

5. Practice healthy habits.
Porridge with blueberries for breakfast! This is my healthy habit. Do you fancy some?

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FYI: I am creating content for my Adultwork Private Gallery daily and if you have any suggestions, feel free to get in touch.

Thursday, April 30th 2020

Safely, efficiently and discreetly

No matter what turmoil is happening in the world right now, there is one thing that truly unites us on the internet in peace and joy: sites offering porn/sex (and videos of cute kittens).

This week I decided to share with you my favourite keyboard shortcuts for browsing adult sites safely, efficiently and discretely (Disclaimer: this is for MacOs Chrome laptop users only).

shift+command+n browse any site in private mode
No need to worry about deleting the browsing history in case we accidentally die during masturbation. Chrome will not record your activity if you use this shortcut.

shift+command+delete - delete browsing history
To delete your browsing history quickly and efficiently use the shortcut above (in case the other half is back home early from the yoga session; and you have not had your browser in the private mode)

command+d - bookmark a current tab
I get frustrated when I can't find the favourite gang bang movie quickly and spend ages browsing various sites. These days are over now since I have started bookmarking my favourite links with the shortcut above.

command+w - close the current tab
Very useful if you need to close the current tab instantly (e.g. when watching adult content movies in the office and your co-worker enters the room unexpectedly)

shift+command+t - re-open recently closed tab
This is my favourite shortcut. Remember me telling you how to close the tab quickly in case someone enters the room unexpectedly? Well, shift+command+t allows you to bring back the closed unexpectedly tab and finish off masturbating.

Hope you find these shortcuts useful!

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Wednesday, April 22nd 2020

Throwback Thursday: The List

Hello Quarantinians!

If you’re like me this quarantine, you’ve already finished Tiger King (or at least you're told to watch it asap by your friends who can afford Netflix subscription), baked two cakes (if you were lucky enough to get some flour at Waitrose); and started watching uninspiring season three of Killing Eve during which you thought to yourself: “God, I need to do something useful.”

So I did.

I came up with a list of items I had in my vagina in the last 27 years (ranked in order of preference):

1: Man's Penis in a condom:
Monster - "Smol but cute" - Average - Large.

2: Boy's finger (or five) because I actually like it.

3: Female best friend finger because I love experimenting with hot girls.

4: Female best friend three fingers because I REALLY love experimenting with girls.

5: Polish gynaecologist's two fingers (FYI: he was the hottest medic I ever met) for "is everything ok with me down there" check-up.

6: A large chilled cucumber imported from Spain for relaxation of my vagina.

7: Giant veiny black dildo for lonely Friday night.

8: Own finger (or three) for fun (but I don't really like it).

9: Regular size Tampax tampon for period blood coming out around 20th of every month.

10: Antifungal Vaginal Creams for yeast infection (that wasn't fun).

11: Speculum for my regular smear test.

After creating this list, I finally can bask in the warm, reassuring feeling of accomplishment.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Wednesday, April 15th 2020

The misadventure of Alice's cucumber

7:00 a.m.
I wake up bright and early on a Wednesday morning when the fridge door opened. I am still in my original packing. Alice bought me two days ago in the fresh fruit and vegetable section at Waitrose.

7:01 a.m.
I have a feeling that today is the day I'll finally have a chance to fulfil my destiny and become a delicious salad.
(My best before date is in 2 days.)

7:03 a.m.
I see her face. She's looking right at me.

7:04 a.m.
Alice re-arranges food around, probably clearing a path for me to exit the fridge. In a few moments, she'll google "how to prepare a delicious cucumber salad in sixty-nine easy steps".

7:05 a.m.
Oh, No! It's dark again. The cottage cheese is the chosen one ...and the lid of the peanut butter jar is missing.
It's fine. I am patient. I want to scream "I'm worth it! I WANT Alice to eat me RAW!

8:00 a.m.
I am dozing off in a dark fridge again. I dream of her:

Alice cradles me in her palm and gently removes my plastic foil, then my skin. She slices my hard and crispy flesh into thick slices, smothers me in salt and pepper and pairs with lettuce and tomatoes in a large bowl.

11:00 a.m.
A soft, deep sexy voice interrupts my dream:
"Would you like me to use the courgette? I am so horny for you!"
She's looking at me. Wait. Does she think I'm a zucchini?! Oh No - There's been a terrible mistake!

11:01 a.m.
Alice takes me to her living-room. Positions herself on the sofa while chatting to someone on the phone. She removes her yoga pants and gently lubricates herself. I feel warmth and see darkness. She moans and groans and moves me up and down her vagina.
I can hear a person on the phone ordering her to "cum hard"!

11:09 a.m.
I'm back in the dark fridge again, between carrots and dried tomatoes. There's no chance anyone in this perverted household wants a delicious cucumber salad.

_____

If you wish to save this cucumber from being eaten for dinner, please book a sexy phone chat, and you can listen to me "cuming hard" on it again!

Monday, April 13th 2020

The unexpected joy of self-isolation,

i.e pro-tips to surviving social isolation (Courtesy of The Blueberry Girl)

It has been 21 days since my last face to face meeting with another "Hooman-client"** and I had to re-adjust my lifestyle overnight.
Here are a few things I have learned so far:

- Pubic hair grows back fast but don't try to wax it yourself. It's painful.

- Self-isolation can make you feel lonely but don't be tempted to get a husband or a puppy. Just remember how much training is involved!

- Don't cough in public. You will get a lot of evil/suspicious looks.

- Playing "Candy Crush" in the park on the bench is not a form of exercise.

- Just because the human race is on the brink of extinction, the pandemic is not a good reason to text your ex (especially if he got married and has four children)

- Masturbation is the only way to satisfy your sexual needs (if you're single). Chatting up the postman is a bad idea.

- It is impossible to prepare the famous "flat white" at home if you don't have a professional coffee machine. - When this is all over, I will kick open the door to my local coffee shop, order the proper coffee and be prepared to live my best "whorish" life again.
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**Polite note to the first person that books me after this pandemic is over: I'll f*ck the living s**t out of you!

Sunday, March 22nd 2020

A huge thank you (update 2.0)

A huge thank you to boys who look out for me during the Covid-19 situation, you are the best of people. Thank you for your support - I love all the kind emails and text messages I have received this week.

Also, I wanted to provide an update to my current and future clients - as the situation is getting more serious day by day, I have decided to stop offering meetings until further notice.

I am feeling full of beans and I don't like the idea of sitting in my apartment all day but the self-isolation is a must these days.

I hope to meet you all once the pandemic is over.

Have a great Sunday.

Sunday, February 10th 2019

Friendly reminder: No Chocolates and No Cocaine

Life is too short:
- to remove USB safely.
- to have a cigarette after sex (have another orgasm).
- to eat chocolate and snort cocaine!

No chocolates
I am grateful for all the sweet treats I receive from boys, but please avoid bringing these to our meetings. Boxes of chocolates are wasted on me.

No cocaine (or anything similar)
Boys, I am not a party girl. The only powder I use is washing powder, and most of you aren't interested anyway!

Food for Thought:
Chocolate and cocaine make one racy and therefore take us away from who we indeed are; being racy means we are less able to read situations around us and so we become less. Why choose to be less?

Sunday, April 1st 2018

Blueberry's April Thoughts

I experience five types of fear:
# terror
# no coconut milk in Costa for my morning "coconut flat white"
# username or password is incorrect
# my boss saying "Alice, we need to talk"
# 2 missed calls from my nail technician

As a whore, I have one more type of fear:
# No Show but I am already feeling so f**king horny

In the last six months of being the TBG, statistic show that boys who have AW account with positive feedback are more reliable. In contrary to boys who schedule a meeting via phone.

As much as one understand that cancellations happen, I refuse to fuel activities of time-waster-boys.

Happy Easter Everyone.

Copyrights ©2017 TBG; All rights reserved

Thursday, February 15th 2018

Blueberry's #ThursdayThoughts

"Find What You Love and Let It Kill You" (Ch. Bukowski)

My "silverware" collection of toys is expanding rapidly. Here is what Mr Postman has delivered this morning:

A Pinwheel - One of the few sensory toys you can use anywhere on the body, add this beautiful pinwheel to play to tease each and every one of your lover's nerve endings. The result? A super-sensitive plaything who'll be left begging for your undivided attention.

A Stainless Steel Collar - a beautiful piece of jewellery around the neck.

A Pink bondage tape - Alice's favourite weapon of choice. It helps me to control disobedient boys.

Let's the game begin...

Copyrights ©2017 TBG; All rights reserved

Tuesday, December 19th 2017

Blueberry's random thoughts: Dec 2017

“Always use condom sense!”

Let’s be serious here for a moment: not wearing a condom in today’s world is as dangerous (i.e. stupid) as sticking your finger in an electrical socket.

For your reference: I only meet boys who are not fools and cover their tools!

A question for you: What is better than an orgasm? (message me for an answer!)

Enjoy your day boys!

Copyrights ©2017 TBG; All rights reserved