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Sunday, September 8th 2024

DOMINANCE 101: A BEGINNERS GUIDE FOR MEN

The appeal of a Dominant in BDSM is undeniable; power, control, and leadership can be intoxicating. However, with great power comes great responsibility.

This guide is designed for those who are new to the world of BDSM and keen to begin their journey as a Dominant, whether in the context of professional play, or personal relationships.

Starting from any beginning can be daunting, especially in a field where experience and expertise are often highly valued. So how does one strike a balance, build confidence, and turn initial disadvantages into strengths?

UNDERSTANDING THE ROLE OF A DOMINANT

Being Dominant is not just about taking control, it’s about embracing a role that requires understanding, empathy, and commitment to the well-being of your partner. Power in BDSM is always accompanied by responsibility. A true Dominant recognises that their authority is grounded in the trust and consent of their partner, and it’s their duty to honour that trust with care, respect, and an ongoing commitment to learning.

"Creating trust and taking responsibility are among the most powerful and erotic things a Dominant can offer."

As unusual as it might sound at this stage in your journey, creating trust and taking responsibility are among the most powerful and erotic things a Dominant can offer. While it may take time or be fleeting, nothing melts a submissive’s heart more than a Dominant who truly embodies these qualities.

STARTING THE JOURNEY

Before one can lead, we must first learn. The world of BDSM is full of traditions, techniques, and protocols that have been developed over decades.

For those new to the Dominant role, education is a great place to start. Whether through books, workshops, or online communities, immerse yourself in learning. Understand the psychology of power dynamics, the importance of consent, and the physical aspects of safe play.

One of the most effective ways to connect with your partner is through understanding their desires and preferences.

"When you witness your partner’s enjoyment, facilitating that pleasure becomes a delicious reward in and of itself."

A Dominant friend of mine once shared a story about how he blew a submissive’s mind during a session, she was captivated. Yet, all he did was ask one of her close friends what she liked. It sounds simple, but gathering insights about someone can be incredibly valuable.

Without crossing boundaries or becoming intrusive, one can learn a lot through social media, dating / professional profiles, or mutual acquaintances. By truly listening, you can peel back the layers and start creating psychological hooks, perhaps something as simple as a short phrase that makes them squirm. Physical, emotional, and verbal triggers are all fun to explore.

When you witness your partner’s enjoyment, facilitating that pleasure becomes a delicious reward in and of itself.

WHY CONSIDER ENGAGING WITH A SWITCH FIRST

For a new Dominant, starting your journey with a switch (someone who enjoys both Dominant and submissive roles) could be incredibly beneficial. A switch can provide insight from both sides of the power dynamic, offering valuable feedback on your approach. Unlike engaging with a highly submissive partner, where the power balance might be overwhelming, a switch can guide you through the nuances of dominance, helping you develop your skills in a more balanced and understanding environment.

Being a switch doesn’t necessarily mean orientations are diluted; in fact, it can offer a deeper understanding of both roles. This flexibility allows them to facilitate both sides of the dynamic, which can be particularly helpful for a beginner.

As you gain confidence in the Dominant role, you may eventually seek out more submissive partners who align better with your developing style. However, it’s important to note that a very submissive individual might not always be the best match for a beginner Dominant, as the power dynamic could easily become unbalanced.

APPROACHING PROFESSIONAL DOMINANCE

The professional BDSM world offers a structured and often safer environment for newcomers or newbies to learn. Engaging with experienced professionals can provide an invaluable learning experience. Here, the roles and boundaries are clearly defined, allowing you to observe and learn without the pressures or complexities that might arise in personal relationships. Approach these interactions with respect and professionalism, and remember that in this space, you are not just a participant, but a student.

Consider booking a session with a Dominant to experience what it’s like from the submissive’s perspective. While it may offer little in terms of sexual reward, it can be immensely insightful for developing your own journey as a Dominant.

Use this time to engage in conversation. Ask plenty of questions, and if possible, schedule time ahead specifically for a chat. Request that the professional Dominant show you some techniques, introduce you to tools, and share the best advice they can offer. After all, the professional setting is one of the safest, most non-judgmental spaces to learn and explore. The same goes with a professional switch or submissive.

Another option is to seek out a double-Dom session, where you can shadow another Dominant with their submissive, whether professional or otherwise. This can provide valuable experience without the pressure of managing your own scene, allowing you to observe and learn in a supportive environment.

NAVIGATING BDSM IN DATING

When bringing your Dominant persona to the kinky dating world, emotional intelligence becomes especially important. Transparency and honesty are essential, and understanding your partner’s emotions and needs helps build a strong foundation of trust. Be upfront about your inexperience and your desire to explore this newly found side of yourself. Honesty can build trust and create an environment where both partners feel safe to express their needs and boundaries.

"With new partners also come new aspects of ourselves we often never knew we had."

Take things slowly, patience is important and something you can play with later on. Allow the dynamic to develop naturally over time. Remember, BDSM is as much about emotional connection and trust as it is about physical power dynamics. The genuine desire and motivation to dominate, whether in the bedroom or beyond, can often be more important than experience.

Regardless of past experience, each new partner represents a fresh start. Old toy boxes, including once-treasured and sentimental items like collars, are often left behind as old relationships end and new ones begin. In this event we all have to start again with every new partner. What worked with one may not work with another; and what you loved doing with one, you might not like with someone else, and vice versa.

With new partners also come new aspects of ourselves we often never knew we had… Are you more of a pleasure Dom, a gentle Dom, a sadist, a rigger, sapiosexual, daddy, or Master? Are you 24/7, bedroom-only, or a domestic discipline dom? What's your thing? Have fun finding out!

SAFETY AND AFTERCARE

Safety is the cornerstone of any BDSM interaction. As a Dominant, it’s your responsibility to ensure all activities are conducted safely, with clear communication and agreed-upon boundaries and limits. This includes understanding the physical and emotional risks involved in different types of play, as well as being aware of your partner’s medical needs.

Equally important is aftercare, the time spent tending to your partner’s emotional and physical requirements after a scene. Not feeling rushed and allowing plenty of time for sub and Dom drop.

Keep fluids available throughout, and a little sugar at the end is always nice, as play can be exhausting! Proper aftercare helps reinforce trust and ensures that both parties feel valued, secure, and cared for.

COMMON PITFALLS TO AVOID

As you step into the role of a Dominant, it’s crucial to be aware of the common pitfalls along your journey.

Avoid letting ego drive your actions, dominance is not about feeding your ego but about creating a safe and consensual space for exploration. Emotional intelligence plays a key role here: it helps you recognize and respect your partner’s comfort levels and boundaries.

Another pitfall is pushing boundaries without clear and enthusiastic consent. Always prioritise open communication, be mindful of your partner’s comfort levels, and approach every interaction with respect and kindness.

Additionally, never underestimate the emotional impact of BDSM: it’s not just physical, but deeply psychological as well. Domination and submission have the potential to be profoundly transformative, where connections can deepen, and love can blossom in ways unlike any other dynamic.

CONCLUSION

Becoming a Dominant or submissive is a journey, not a destination. It requires continuous learning, self-reflection, and a deep commitment to the well-being of those you engage with. While the path can be challenging, it’s also incredibly rewarding when approached with the right mindset, and the right people. Remember that you’re also not alone in this journey, there’s a community out there ready to support and guide you.

As you embark on this path, stay curious, stay humble, and above all, stay respectful. The world of BDSM is vast and diverse, and you never know who or what you might encounter along the way.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION

If you enjoyed this post and want to dive deeper into the topics discussed, I invite you to continue the conversation on my brand new blog, Odalisque, where you can share your thoughts. It’s a space dedicated to exploring these subjects in more detail and connecting with others who share similar interests. Feel free to explore and join the discussion at Odalisque using the standard uk web address.

Tuesday, August 6th 2024

A FREAK BETWEEN THE SHEETS

- Dating outside the kink community

Outside My Comfort Zone

A friend of a friend insisted on setting me up on a blind date with an eligible alpha. In hindsight, I should have declined. However, I agreed for various reasons: to push myself out of my comfort zone, gain some perspective, and recognise that not all dates are romantically destined. Perhaps I shouldn't be so insular given my lifestyle preferences, and this opportunity might have been offered for reasons yet unknown. However, I didn’t fully realise this was a vanilla date.

The Challenge of Dating Vanilla

Sometimes my kinky friends wonder (in their own words) if they are weird. They occasionally try to date vanilla, or those with no experience within the BDSM umbrella, only to find half of themselves and the relationship potential unavailable. This isn’t to say one needs to swing from the chandeliers 24/7, but craving a dynamic that, for the most part, can remain dormant, yet not having it feels like the removal of a vital organ.

In many ways, it can feel like a curse, the beast requiring constant feeding yet never truly sated. Wouldn't it be easier if we didn’t have these feelings in the first place? Finding a match, or those seeking compromise in vanilla relationships can prove futile. So why not pretend we're not kinky anymore, at least just once, for convenience's sake?

Depth Over Superficiality

Shortly after our introductions, my date launched into what felt like a non-consensual 'all about me' performance, reminiscent of a male peacock fanning his plumage, but without authenticity. He came across like a well-rehearsed pitch from a TV sales channel. While I listened to his accolades, I couldn't help but wonder why I was even there when a full-length mirror might have been more suitable.

It felt a bit like dancing in masks, curating what we think are the best versions of ourselves. Politely laughing at the right moment, interjecting with humour, current affairs, or trusted anecdotes we know work. I am not dismissing the art of communication, as this is a perfectly reasonable way to get to know someone, but something crucial was missing.

Connection in BDSM

The desire to invest, explore, or genuinely get to know each other beyond our well-presented facades was absent.

What do we love, hate, crave, and want? What are we hiding? What scares, excites, or makes us feel vulnerable? The more we take the time to understand someone, the more we can push, and play with power, control, submission, and ultimately trust.

While superficiality led our conversation, the veneer of convention remained steadfast in the absence of icebreakers. Instead of breaking down barriers our Ivory towers grew taller.

Void of both vulnerability and acceptance, my suitor seemed almost hostile to any change in demeanour. There was little common ground, few shared interests, or none worthy of note. Perhaps if we'd shared a profession, hobby, or childhood town, a closeness may have been briefly nurtured, but there’s nothing like sharing one's deepest, darkest fantasies with a stranger. Before you know it, trust is established, vulnerability is created in revealing secrets, and a bond is formed through shared understanding.

Conventions and judgments based on things like status, wealth, profession, and age cease to exist. The veil is broken. We no longer identify ourselves with our career, aspirations, or past. We become almost childlike, reveling in connection rather than battling through the walls of projection. The veneer of pretence shatters as the ivory towers fall, and journeys may begin.

Whatever one may think of BDSM, it acts as an incredible vehicle to connect people beyond the superficial because we have to play the game of trust; there is no other way.

More than Superficial

Do I care your kids went to the most expensive private school, you have four homes, and a six-figure salary? No, I don't. I want to know what makes you smile, what excites or upsets you, that you might struggle with something, but are brave and vulnerable enough to share it. You might even have a secret addiction. Your desires, fantasies, hopes, wishes, and what your heart loves to do. I want to know all your flaws, fears, and vulnerabilities because, in my eyes, they are what make us interesting and real.

A Freak Between the Sheets

My date, now reaching fever pitch in self-rapture, centred the conversation on (his) aspirational ideals, hinged on (his) wealth and success echoed by the exuberant surroundings. All lovely, of course, yet I remind myself of the bubble and privilege that comes with it. The compliments and conversation flow, which on the whole was enjoyable yet tinged with an unsettling disingenuousness.

Consequently, I felt a bit like an accessory, a potential notch in an old-school leather belt. I was unaware of the game I was playing. Perhaps the Peacock had a strategy, but I didn’t. I’d forgotten vanilla dating protocols, other than wishing to be myself. Yet, would I be accepted? Or am I too corrupted? A troubling curiosity. A freak between the sheets?

What Was Missing

The encounter made me reflect on the stark difference between vanilla dating and connecting with a dominant. A dominant man doesn't just want to share a moment; he wants to own you, body and soul. This deep, consuming connection makes vanilla interactions seem superficial in comparison. With a dominant, every glance, every touch, and every word often carries weight and intention.

There is a profound depth, an unspoken understanding, and a shared journey into each other's psyche. The intensity of wanting to explore each other’s minds and bodies, pushing boundaries, and building unbreakable trust is unparalleled. The superficial conversations about material success and societal status feel empty when you've experienced the raw, unfiltered, primal connection with someone who seeks to understand and possess your very soul.

Embracing Myself

That afternoon, more than half of what makes me who I am was hidden. Even if I had risked exposure, I could not have expected to be understood, and ultimately I wasn’t.

My thoughts are not meant as criticisms, judgments, or any kind of critique. They're merely the observations of a silent witness and proactive participant.

Neither am I trying to promote BDSM over a more vanilla dynamic. We are all each to our own. However, for me, this was the only and last time I will entertain a vanilla date. I’m simply not willing to compromise who I am for the sake of another.

However, it was an interesting experience, offering reflection and perspective, but I know my place, and that’s firmly at the feet of a natural dominant who desires to own not just my body but my soul.

Bella xXx

Tuesday, May 21st 2024

SUBSPACE: AN EXPLORATION OF SUBMISSION & CONTROL

EXPLORING SUBSPACE

"I felt like I was melting from the inside out, my instinct to hold on proving futile against the relentless pressure. Pain, pleasure, vulnerability, humiliation, shame, and embarrassment all surrendered to his control. My body mirrored my mind, opening like a flower in the sun, yearning to submit, obey, and surrender to his every desire.

His energy consumed me like a predator closing in on its prey. I was hunted, drawn to the ground as my knees buckled in natural submission to his authority. In his presence, I longed to kneel, my wrists yearning to be bound behind my back. Holding his gaze became increasingly challenging, each glance stripping away layers of my defences. With each passing moment, my control slipped further, leaving only him in the room. Every fibre of my being begged to yield, to obey, and to submit to him indefinitely."

UNDERSTANDING SUBSPACE

Subspace ultimately covers a broad spectrum of submissive feelings. It can manifest in various forms: light and subtle, unexpected, emotional, profound, fleeting, long-lasting, tearful, sexually arousing, or non-sexual. Overall, it's an intensely addictive and cathartic experience. However, after spending time in this state with a partner, returning to reality can be a gradual process. This transition, known as sub-drop or Dom-drop, involves navigating the euphoric highs and lows as you readjust to your independent state.

TRIGGERS OF SUBSPACE

From experience, I've discovered various triggers, some catching me completely unaware, while others are more predictable.

Physical Triggers:
In consensual non-consent (CNC) relationships where safe words aren't utilised, I've been pushed beyond my limits. Real tears can transform into complete surrender when you reach a point of giving in, and at that moment, an incredible rush of pleasure emerges. This level of experience requires a significant amount of trust within an established relationship, where you rely on your dominant to understand how far they can push you.

Cerebral Triggers:
As someone who considers herself a bit of a cerebral slave girl, I'm biased. I love to think and tie my mind in knots, and I'm easily mentally triggered. Having someone almost psychoanalyse and deconstruct me to the point they know what I'm thinking before I do can be incredibly erotic and powerful too. In domestic discipline-type relationships, protocols or rituals can also bring about intense subspace. Or sometimes, it’s just a look or a touch, something so simple that no one could ever imagine the profound connection it creates between two people.

Emotional Triggers:
Being taken care of, not unsurprisingly, can make me feel incredibly submissive. Emotive triggers such as being cared for, encouraged, prioritised, or invested in can bring about huge waves of often unexpected subspace, which can flip sexually at any time.

Sexual Triggers:
Pure sexuality is one that may not require too much explanation. The raw nature of sexual power exchange, an exquisite journey in its own right, but ultimately remains a vehicle for creating trust.

PSYCHOLOGY OF SURRENDER

Even when we can't bear the predicament, we betray ourselves by surrendering to the will of another, sometimes pushing us to our very limits. We willingly subject ourselves to things we’d never normally contemplate, or even hate. A battle of wills ensues in our minds, as we realise that it’s the power and control another has over us that is arousing, while the act itself becomes irrelevant in the shadow of the power exchange it creates.

LESSONS LEARNED

If I were to share lessons I have learned along my journey into submission, they would be, in no particular order, the following:

• Never lie, including lying by omission. Lying erodes the foundation of any D/s connection. If you cannot trust your partner(s), it is impossible to create a power exchange dynamic.

• Be prepared to relinquish some control. Many are afraid to truly let go. This is where bratty subs can come into play, too afraid or unwilling to surrender, they remain in a constant state of rebellion disguised as humour. This often leads to a role reversal where submissives control their ‘dominant’ partners, with neither truly owning themselves.

• Integrate yourself. Accept and integrate who you are rather than what you think society wants you to be. I used to refer to myself as an alpha sub because I couldn't accept that I am a beta. There is nothing wrong with being naturally submissive, especially in a world that often demands alpha females. As a consequence of acceptance, I have never felt more at peace with myself. Ironically, I now feel stronger and more submissive.

• Submission is not a weakness; it’s an expression. Embrace your orientation.

• Communicate. Knowledge is power and vital in creating a power exchange and trust dynamic. Communication is also crucial for pushing boundaries.

• Be vulnerable, and that applies to both Dominant and submissive. A Dominant has to let go as much as the submissive, albeit in different ways, but essentially both parties have to let go.

• Put in the work. It takes effort to work on yourself as much as the connection.

• Respect and prioritise each other.

• A good Dom will earn, build, and maintain your submission. While a good sub will earn, build, and maintain your dominance.

• Be boundaried. Strong boundaries are healthy and attractive for both sub and Dom. Also, be careful not to give more than you receive, an easy mistake for a submissive. If your dynamic is asymmetric, it’s time to talk and reevaluate.

• Support eachother. All relationships are different, but one cannot sit back and let the other do all the work. Sometimes people need time out or support.

• Consider mental health. Pay attention to emotional states, anxiety, depression, and any long or short-term health issues.

• Manage expectations. What is your partner capable of and willing to give or offer? Is it a lifestyle choice, or just scratching an itch? What is actually available?

• Invest in the connection. Barking orders or disciplining someone with no substance behind it ultimately won’t create a meaningful exchange.

• Trust is sexy; play with it!

Friday, March 22nd 2024

BOUND BY DESIRE, TORN BY REALITY

~ Challenges in Polyamory and Alternative Dynamics

THE QUEST FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Regardless of sexual orientation, background, or desires, isn't our pursuit centered on emotional intimacy? We search for someone who completes us, mirrors us, and challenges us. Someone whose presence consumes our thoughts day and night, the last thing on our minds at night and the first in the morning. We want to share every moment, every thought, to be ourselves, loved, liberated, and accepted. We’ve found 'the one'.

But how often do these connections come along? Once, twice, maybe four times within a lifetime?

Are we wired to fall in love with only one person at a time, or can we serve more than one master? This leads to a broader question: If someone is genuinely in love, why would they desire anyone else? Or, to phrase it differently, "Within the realm of open relationships, have we simply not found the right person yet?"

Polyamory vs monogamy, open vs closed. Can a profound emotional connection and intimacy truly coexist with many partners?

EXPLORING POLYAMORY, FANTASY VS REALITY

The idea of a utopian commune inhabited by sexually liberated kinksters presents an enticing slice of unconventional paradise. Whether indulging in a hedonistic 'Eyes wide shut' lifestyle of uninhibited sexual exploration, navigating a polyamorous dynamic, engaging in a clandestine love affair, arrangement, or simply embracing friends with benefits, we find ourselves on a less trodden path.

The Dom-sub culture can seamlessly align with the concept of polyamorous groups, such as a commanding dominant male at the core of The Citadel, with numerous slaves dutifully complying with his every whim and desire. But can this fantasy translate into reality?

Polyamory can present a certain mystique and cult-like seduction, an enchanting wonder when observed from the outside in. However, upon closer inspection, the layers reveal suffering. Rarely do all parties find simultaneous happiness and contentment. Categorizing or compartmentalizing people becomes as prevalent as it is challenging, as attachments shift, alliances form, and competition emerges. The desire to be chosen and the fear of abandonment become recurring themes, echoing former familial dynamics.

Submission and dominance in any asymmetrical relationship structure at best demonstrate potential. For a dominant, the urge to explore tantalising limits and boundaries grows stronger. As a submissive, resistance becomes futile, and you embark on a daunting journey of relinquishing control. You become vulnerable and exposed before an increasingly powerful presence, succumbing to something greater than yourselves. Yet, without foundational support, this dynamic will inevitably reach a point of no return. It might take months or even years, but a D/s relationship demands equality. If the balance of investment is skewed, failure becomes inevitable; the only uncertainty is when.

At worst, our attributes can become cherry-picked, and foundation-less tasks render punishments meaningless. Consistency erodes as variety takes precedence, reducing the relationship to a mere 'scene' or 'session', due to minimal investment and lack of desire beyond those moments. We might find we have become compartmentalised without our consent, all contributing parts of a whole we are unable to escape.

JEALOUSY AND FEAR, THE MONSTER IS THE DARK

While it appears that few are willing to embrace emotions like jealousy or acknowledge their needs, with some insisting on outright comparison (often echoed unsurprisingly by the primary, seemingly unaffected by jealousy), one might wonder if these individuals are genuinely in touch with their emotions. Is their liberation so profound that it becomes safer to feign indifference, deny, or opt for connections that shield them from vulnerability and so-called negative emotions? Trusting and being vulnerable with one person is an intense experience, where the stakes are higher than spreading oneself within a group or among others. Yet, societal conditioning often leads us to believe the opposite. The challenges arise as suppressed or shattered expectations dissipate, bleeding out gradually until one confronts the root of the issue.

This leads us to the subsequent challenge rooted in honesty. How can we be transparent with others and navigate the complexities of the group dynamic, which functions as an entity in its own right, when we struggle to be entirely truthful with ourselves?

We may perceive ourselves as the epitome of social and sexual revolution, convinced of our success where others have faltered, boasting transparency, communicativeness, liberation, non-judgment, and generosity. However, beneath this facade lies a melting pot of poor boundaries, unmet expectations, unrealistic goals, and breakdowns in communication, challenges that even the best among us contend with.

Perhaps the issue also lies in having deprioritised ourselves by initially accepting and maintaining the role we find ourselves in. Whether it's willingly embracing the position of an affair partner, lover, non-primary, or, in the context of poly relationships, being designated as the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc. Regardless of whether we consciously embraced this role, or naively believed we could ascend through the ranks over time; given that people and circumstances evolve, the question still arises: Does it ever truly unfold as anticipated? Or, by default, have we set the precedent? Furthermore, particularly when stemming from a foundation of sacrifice driven by love, is our contribution even appreciated, or worse, taken for granted? In effect, have we signed our own death warrant?

Adding the layer of D/s complexity into the mix, submission in a non-primary relationship demands even more delicate care and understanding. The expected and freely given attitude of surrender in this scenario, despite the inherent vulnerability, may lead to a situation where you find yourself giving everything to a partner who reciprocates far less. Prompting contemplation on whether any real D/s relationship can function, let alone flourish, outside of a primary position?

MONOGAMY IN A NON-COMMITTAL ERA

Regardless of sexual orientation, with labels like ENM (ethical non-monogamy) now commonplace, our relational landscape has changed. Instead of a journey with largely understood expectations and long-term shared goals worthy of investment, dating and relating have become a minefield of widespread non-commitment coupled with an aversion to anything remotely monogamous. Being considered 'needy' is treated as if it's some kind of parasitic disease, in favour of a plethora of labels demonstrating one's liberal attitudes and superior emotional maturity. But do these labels genuinely align with our desires?

On the flip side, the preference or pursuit of monogamy can send potential suitors running for the hills. They are accustomed to their freedoms, whether exercised or not, and may feel cheated out of reaching that point themselves. And the question arises: Is seeking security prioritised over dating me?

When freedom, or its imposition, becomes expected, it loses its appeal and power. Similarly, in the realm of D/s dynamics, submission is a choice. Wouldn't you become resentful if your collar was never removed, as opposed to it being your choice to wear it? Or your dominance mandatory rather than gifted? Shouldn't we opt to be open or monogamous by our own volition, rather than having these aspects imposed on us?

Imposed monogamy can feel stifling, particularly in an era where openness and polyamory are flaunted as the new norm. But does monogamy really scream insecurity? Or does it actually stem from a place of strength, respect, and commitment?

Traditionally, commitment, marriage, and children were part of the natural progression of dating. One didn't need to explicitly state these expectations. However, in today's world, being forthright or having expectations isn't as simple. Casual dating apps have played a significant role, transforming the pursuit of genuine connections into a dying art form. Why invest in creating meaningful relationships when you can easily swipe right for a casual encounter or convey feelings through emojis instead of engaging in meaningful communication? The consequences are profound, contributing to an increasing and pervasive loneliness epidemic.

NAVIGATING OPEN RELATIONSHIPS - LESSONS LEARNED

Within the complexity of open relationship dynamics, the foundation lies in meeting expectations, where understanding each other's love languages becomes paramount. Time allocation transforms into valuable love currency, acknowledging time as the most precious gift one can offer. As these connections typically operate at a reduced or limited primary relationship capacity, individuals willingly accept these unspoken conditions as part of the arrangement. Unless in a primary role, one may struggle with the challenges of navigating holidays, birthdays, weekends, and the inevitable moments when personal support is needed, often finding oneself alone.

Another challenge arises from the inherent differences in experience and emotional maturity levels. Unlike a one-size-fits-all course that one could take to catch up and align, the disparity between expectations and realities in these conditions raises questions about whether the utopian ideal can ever be ethically and happily achieved.

Open relationships serve as teachers, albeit ones with limited sympathy, empathy, or humour. They impart lessons in humility, understanding, compassion, empowerment, honesty, and enhanced communication skills. From these connections, deep friendships, whether intimate or platonic, may evolve. They can teach you to release your grip on love, allowing it to return and choose you willingly.

However, they can also pull you through the proverbial hedge backwards, leaving you with a profound sense of loneliness and minimal support, as others may not comprehend, pass judgment, or offer sympathy. I've witnessed marriages dissolve and lives torn apart in the name of progressive openness and polyamory, where the reality of opening up one's relationship signifies the beginning of a slow and extracted end.

From my own experience, I've found the intensity and profound connection experienced in a committed, prioritised, loving primary relationship unparalleled. In such an environment, concepts like consensual non-consent and total power exchange can truly thrive, although there may be rare exceptions to this observation. However, with each additional connection we open ourselves to, the potential for that deep bond becomes diluted as the support structures naturally diminish.

CROSSING THE RUBICON - FREEDOM AND SECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS

After indulging in the fruit of knowledge and revelling in these freedoms and choices, a crucial question emerges: Does it not come at a tremendous cost? And once we've crossed the Rubicon, is there a way back?

While openness to a certain extent is undoubtedly attractive, so is security.

Reflecting on my own journey through these dynamics, I neither fear nor exclusively choose openness or monogamy; I have experienced both.

When considering my ideal future, I imagine my dominant partner granting me freedom, yet I willingly choose to submit, never feeling the desire to leave. I believe power resides fundamentally in choice. While I recognise the potential to please many, I know I can only truly serve one.

Monday, August 14th 2023

BDSM MYTH BUSTER

Debunking 13 Common Misconceptions

1 Dominants Are Better Than Submissives: Dispelling Stereotypes

There's a common notion that dominants are superior to submissives, defined by success, wealth, and power. This stereotype overlooks the true essence of BDSM, which hinges on consensual roles rather than external factors like wealth or societal status. Power in BDSM stems from choice and consent, unrelated to dominance or submission.

2 Domination & Submission: A Paradoxical Equality

Contrary to the misconception that domination and submission inherently perpetuate inequality, these roles can often lead to a unique form of balanced power dynamic. While on the surface, the dominant appears to hold control, the foundation rests upon communication, negotiation, and mutual consent. Both the dominant and submissive actively participate in defining roles and setting boundaries.

In essence, Ds relationships embrace an unconventional type of equality, one that thrives on transparency, trust, and communication. By actively negotiating boundaries, desires, and expectations, both parties collaboratively shape their unique power exchange, demonstrating that true equality can manifest in surprising ways, even within roles that may seem imbalanced to the outside world.

3 Kink Is Not Linked To Self-Worth

Believing that individuals engaged in BDSM deserve pain due to low self-esteem is an oversimplification. People who delve into BDSM are often confident and courageous, seeking diverse experiences. Associating kink with self-punishment disregards the complex motivations behind these preferences.

4 BDSM Equals Abuse: Breaking Down Misunderstandings

The association of BDSM with abuse and pain is a misperception perpetuated by misconceptions and media portrayals. BDSM thrives on consensual experiences built upon communication, trust, and even love. It's far from promoting violence and pain; rather, it can be a tender and intimate exploration.

5 BDSM Is Abusive: Abusive Histories Are Not Universal

Attributing a history of abuse to subs (or doms) seeking BDSM roles oversimplifies the origins of these desires. A wide range of factors, including nature, nurture, and individual experiences, shapes our inclinations. It's important to recognise that interests in BDSM are diverse and multifaceted.

6 BDSM Is Not A Mental Illness

Labelling BDSM as a mental illness is a misguided belief. BDSM relationships emphasise communication, trust, and respect, fostering emotional growth and healthy dynamics. Contrary to the misconception, engaging in BDSM is not indicative of mental health issues.

7 Prevalence Of BDSM: More Common Than Assumed

Contrary to the idea that BDSM is rare, a significant portion of the population has either tried or engaged in BDSM activities. Its discreet nature might mask its prevalence, but many people are exploring consensual kinks behind closed doors.

8 Diverse Dynamics In D/s Relationships

The notion that a sub can only serve one, while a Master can have many is a myth based on fantasy and media. D/s dynamics vary widely based on individuals' preferences and needs. Polyamory is a choice within the BDSM world, highlighting the importance of communication and mutual understanding.

9 Dominance Is Ego-Driven

Viewing all dominants as egotistical and power-hungry overlooks the complexity of their role. Dominants can be nurturing caregivers, mentors, and role models, displaying a wide range of qualities, just like submissives.

10 Submissives Have No Agency or Control

The misconception that submissives lack control is inaccurate. Submissives actively choose their roles, establish boundaries, and exert control over their own lives. Open and effective communication, along with the use of safe words and mutual consent, play pivotal roles in ensuring that boundaries are consistently honoured. It's worth noting that in more advanced or intense relationships, the concept of 'consensual non-consent' might come into play, potentially granting the dominant partner heightened control.

11 BDSM Is All About Sex: Beyond the Physical

BDSM encompasses more than just physical acts; it involves preparation, communication, and anticipation. In committed relationships, it becomes integrated into daily life, fostering unique power dynamics and connections that extend beyond the bedroom.

12 BDSM vs. Vanilla: Breaking Social Norms

BDSM offers a refreshing approach to interpersonal connections, prioritising genuine understanding over convention and societal status. In BDSM circles, personal details take a back seat to getting to know the real person behind the roles, fostering deeper connections based on shared interests and desires.

13 Authentic Submission: Beyond Stereotypes

Genuine submission manifests in various ways. Some possess an innate submissive disposition, finding fulfilment in serving and prioritising others' needs. Conversely, even those with dominant tendencies might willingly surrender control to specific partners, seamlessly intertwining alpha traits with submission. The spectrum broadens further, as certain individuals may adopt submissive roles only within specific sessions, exploring the dynamic of switching. Unveiling the layers of genuine submission, akin to authentic dominance, is a pursuit that demands profound introspection and self-awareness, often eluding facile discovery.

Resisting the societal inclination to equate submission with weakness, individuals cultivate a profound acceptance of their submission. Amidst a contemporary backdrop that increasingly accentuates masculine ideals for women and challenges men to embrace vulnerability, the authentic submissive emerges as an embodiment of true self-assurance.

Parallel to this, the allure of age-gap relationships within the realm of dominance and submission becomes evident. This dynamic sparks debates surrounding the authenticity of power exchange versus youthful infatuation masquerading as submission, and the wisdom that maturity ostensibly imparts. Within the diverse landscape of BDSM, the quest for authentic submission stands as a testament to the profound beauty of vulnerability and trust.

Belle x

Wednesday, August 2nd 2023

FEEDING THE BDSM BEAST

The Addictive and Exciting World of BDSM

BDSM holds a magnetic allure, drawing individuals into its world of fascination. The seduction of this complex world lies in the way it allows us to explore our deepest desires and hidden fantasies. Unlike solitary pleasures like masturbation, domination and submission thrive on shared experiences, offering a chance to relinquish or wield control with a partner who caters to our every desire, creating a sense of irresistible power and surrender.

However, as enticing as the allure might be, venturing into the realm of wild fantasies carries a certain risk. The intimacy and vulnerability involved are hyper-personal, and unless we are ready to connect on a deeper level, we can become infatuated with the theatrics and props rather than the person and the emotional risk involved.

Behind the scenes, BDSM is a world of intelligence, adventure, and boundary-pushing—a hidden iceberg of complexity that remains concealed to outsiders. Seemingly vanilla acts may hold thundering power exchanges within, while the most explicit displays of domination might mask wandering thoughts about more mundane matters like football scores.

The pleasure derived from BDSM often revolves around exposing our vulnerabilities and confronting our deepest fears within a safe space. There is no judgment, ridicule, or rejection, and one might even seek out humiliation and degradation willingly. The acceptance experienced in these moments can be intoxicating and addictive, elevating the exchange of power to a level beyond mere physical gratification.

Surrendering control and submitting, or asserting control and dominating can offer profound freedom and relief from the pressures of everyday life. By giving up/ or wielding power, we find a unique psychological and emotional release, allowing us to experience pleasure in an extraordinary manner.

The intensity and excitement of power exchange heighten sensations and arousal, igniting powerful emotions and desires. Trust and communication form the foundation of BDSM relationships, creating deep connections and intimate bonds between partners. The emotional connection, combined with power dynamics, makes the pleasure experienced during BDSM encounters truly unforgettable.

Within the framework of BDSM, we have the opportunity to explore different roles and personas, diving into fantasies that may otherwise remain unfulfilled in our daily lives. This role exploration brings about a unique and fulfilling sense of pleasure and sensation that can be addicting.

Erotic power dynamics are a central element of Ds, where one partner revels in asserting control and dominance while the other finds pleasure in submitting and being controlled. These dynamics amplify erotic stimulation and sensations, crafting a distinctive sexual experience.

BDSM, particularly Dominant/submissive relationships, thrives on trust as a vehicle to intimacy. This exchange of power creates a space where both partners meet in the middle, embracing risk, fear, excitement, and vulnerability. It's an equal partnership founded on trust and choice, offering opportunities for self-discovery, emotional connection, and personal growth.

In conclusion, BDSM's allure lies in its ability to explore our deepest desires, surrender to intense emotions, and create profound connections with our partners. It is a world that thrives on trust, pushing boundaries, and embarking on a journey of self-discovery. The addictive nature of BDSM stems from its ability to offer an exciting and fulfilling experience that transcends the physical, making it a journey that once experienced, cannot be easily abandoned.

Belle x

Friday, August 9th 2019

My (brief) thoughts about BDSM

BDSM can mean different things to different people... What excites, motivates and drives us can be so varied and diverse it can become less about the theatre and more about the person or people involved.

I've often found D/s (Domination & submission) or power exchange to be something where both parties can let go and surrender. A safe and cathartic space to explore the pleasures of a mutual mind... And a journey that can be one of the most rewarding I've ever experienced.

If you allow it, BDSM also pushes boundaries. Playing with things like fear, vulnerability, inhibition, arousal and shame whilst also nurturing those innermost desires we can often be so unwilling to reveal or express, especially with those who may just not understand.

This is why I feel BDSM, or more specifically 'D/s' is something that just gets better and better the more you learn about and play with someone. If a level of connection and chemistry can be reached the magic really begins and the rabbit hole truly opens up